Funny Quotes
Laughter is the best medicine for the soul, comedy has a way of making us realize that we are all going through the same stuff in this crazy life.
A little dose of humor and laughter everyday makes our body to release endorphins, a hormone that acts as a natural pain killer and helps reduce stress.
In this article, we have compiled an array of funny quotes and sayings that will get you through bad days and bring back sunshine to your life.
100 Hilarious Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.” – Si Robertson
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’” – Homer Simpson
“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star
“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” – Muhammad Ali
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne
“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz
“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner
“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.” – Michael Shermer
“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.” – Nicolas Chamfort
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” – Peter Cook
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” – John Maynard Keynes
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder