Funny Jokes To Tell A Girl

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So she told her sister and her sister said: that aint nothing mine is already eating bananas

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a ki*ss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering ki*ss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best ki*ss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?” Nathan says, “Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?” Dave says, “Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?” Mike says, “Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr Jones’s lesson. Mr Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, “Who are you and why are you late?” The new girl says, “Sir, I’m called Cherry Hill”

Am I cute enough yet, or do you need more of these vodkas?

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think its cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.

I know you’re busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Do you know about the concept of Newton’s law? It states that for every idiot, there is an equal and opposite idiot. They are called husband and wife.

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

If grapes make skin beautiful, then you must be living in a vineyard!

There is something wrong with my cell phone. It does not have your number in it.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

A man and women were getting married in a courthouse. As they were leaving the courtroom, the bride said to the groom, “Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

A man saw a lady with big bre*asts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your bre*asts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her bre*asts for 10 minutes.” Eventually the lady asks, “Aren’t you gonna bite them?” He replies, “No, it’s too expensive.”

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Ever notice how after an argument is all over, you start to think about more clever awesome shit you could have said?

The brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love.

I will make you a deal (Girl – What?). I will kiss you, and if you do not like it, you can return it.

Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’m searching for.

Would you be kind enough to hold this (hand) while I go for a walk?

Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bi*tch.
Girlfriend: I have been called worse.
Boyfriend: Like what?
Girlfriend: Your girlfriend!

Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down. Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, “If you st*ick that thing in me one more time, I sw*ear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his cro*tch. A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” He replies, “If you were any sort of a s3xy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

One night a girl said to her family “Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. At night she said “Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said “Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. “Hello there and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.” “Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?” “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!” At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk and asks, “Is this your brother?” “No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” “Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more and says, “No, silly!” “Then, who is it?” Stacey replies, “That’s me before my operation!”

Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Are you sure you’re not tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your b00bs, say don’t, and when he touches your va*gina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop.

If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous

I am fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.

I’ve been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush. I’ve gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional.” The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, double income, no kids.” The third guy says, “I’m a RUB. You know, rich urban biker.” They turn to the woman and ask, “So what are you?” The woman replies, “I’m a WIFE. You know – Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.”

You’re so stunning that I just forgot my pick up line.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.

By the way, don’t freak out if a fat man in a red suit puts you in a bag at night. He’s just fulfilling my wish of wanting you for Christmas.

Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off?

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn’t be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male hormones. But instead, we’d have a bunch of jealous countries that aren’t talking to each other.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “B00bs!”